Friday, May 27, 2011

I'm back

Well, it's been a while since I've been on here. So much has happened. My husband lost his job. Then eventually we moved out of state. Now I'm getting my life up and going again in a new place. But it's not quite so new. I have family here and we lived in the area about 8 years ago. So it's a familiar place and yet new all at the same time. We left a lot behind when we moved, including our dogs.....don't worry, I found them good homes. We just couldn't bring them along. And now I'm here trying to figure out what to do with my life. I am a quilter, so I thought maybe I'd try to do that for a living. But it's not going so well. I have one paying quilt job and that's it. And I was selling Usborne Books back home, so I thought I could do that. But it seems that people here don't really love these books like I do. Now I'm up unable to sleep and wondering where to go next in my life. I always thought I'd be happily married and a stay-at-home-mom, one of those "Susie homemaker" kinds of moms. These days though I wonder if my marriage is even worth trying to save and if I shouldn't just go get a job and support myself and my kids. But there is always a part of me that feels like I should stay. I wish I knew what was the best thing to do with my life. I am still young enough to accomplish so much and yet I feel like on most days I'm just spinning my wheels doing nothing at all. If I didn't have children I would run away to another country, quilt, maybe go back to school. I don't know do something,! I love my children very much, but I do feel limited in what I can do since they are my first responsibility. And yet I feel like I am doing them a disservice to tell them they can be anything they want to be and do anything the want to do, but I don't practice what I preach. My family didn't and look at me. I didn't chase after that rainbow! I was once in London for a summer college program. I wanted to stay and never come home again! I LOVED it there and it is one thing that I really wish that I had done was to stay. Not get back on the plane, just stay and make a new life for myself. But I did what was expected of me instead and I went back home and spent the next few months depressed and miserable. I even ended up dropping out of college and getting pregnant with a couple years time and thus my dreams at the time slipped away. So here I am in my thirties with new dreams and wondering what I'm going to do about them. I don't even have them fully developed because there is so much I want to do. Quilting is my passion though. When I sew, it's like time stands still. Hours will pass and I would swear it's only been a few minutes. When I close my eyes, I see quilts and fabrics and ideas. I have other dreams besides quilting. I still want to be that "Susie Homemaker" mom, and publish my children's book, and finish writing my other book. Right now I just feel trapped in my currant situation and I'm looking to re-invent myself. For now I have much planed for the summer with my children. They each have quilts that they want to help make, scrapbooks to work on, and a pool at my parents' house that is begging us to come swim in it! I'm actually excited about spending the summer with my children at home.

Cause After-All,
There is NO CURE 4 CRAZY

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